On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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