Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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