did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
40s are totally the cure
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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