I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
