remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
