Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize