you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
