Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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