my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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