my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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