Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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