I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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