Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
