Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There's always time for handjobs
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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