I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So vagazzling was a success
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
