How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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