oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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