chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
