So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
