I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
