I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
