well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
It was confusing and full of hummus
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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