I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
