I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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