I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
