i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
