went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
