so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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