you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
