the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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