we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
