I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
