Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
