drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
