just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
