just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
