Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
