the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
