The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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