You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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