I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
