did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize