The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
