DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
