Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's blow job season.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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