my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
