My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
