I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize