Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
