shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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