there was a trapeze. enough said
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
