Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Someone shattered a urinal.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
