I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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