if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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