i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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