I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
