I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize