his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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