I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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