Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
