Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
