I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
