Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Say something about gay babies.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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