Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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