I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
