when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
